proud to be pooping

Wow I'm a nerd.

Go here And find out part of what consumes me.

Oh, good Lord, if I can synthetically justify materialism (that means be 'toopid) for just a second, then oh good Lord, High Definition rocks. It's good to get things on discount... even if they ARE birthday gifts.

I also received a set of used golf clubs minus a putter... so I bought a putter and some golf balls at Schitzo Mart, where everything, including prices, wages, and service, is bottom-of-the-barrel. For the last three days I've been building make-shift putting greens throughout my basement, and while my fufu dog interferes with every hole-in-one that I know I'm about to make, I'm getting in a lot of practice. Maybe next year I can afford to join a country club, find some "free" time, stop thinking about everything the media strives so diligently to place in my head, and go walking in green (well-manicured) fields... looking for that little white ball that I probably lost in the woods.

Ah yes... a quarter-century has passed since I have begun consuming with the rest of America. That's 25 years of aimless preparation, 20 years of (also aimless) education, 14 years of trying to live up to false standards and impressionism, 9 years of pumping exhaust fumes into the beautiful natural world, 8 years of worthless, opinionated mental masturbation and "philosophical" conversations, 5 years of looking, and 3 years of knowing. Multiply all figures by 4, and you have a long, healthy, American life. Live to be a hundred.

I hope I die upside down in a biplane... that I'm flying...

I need to get a biplane. When I get one, I'll skip ahead and go straight for the gold. Screw you, soy-fiber-proud-of-every-crap-I-take-lack-of-social-security years! Mwahahahaha!!!

Maybe next year I'll just ask for the airplane again.

dfb

birthday omens

Hmmm...

My wife bought me a bicycle for my birthday. My intention is to ride it to work, slow, stop, and disrupt traffic as much as possible without being plowed over by the first Miata to cross my path, and proudly park it next to my Boss's Harley Davidson until he demands that I stop for purposes of sheer male dominance. Heck, I might even install streamers and a bell... with a little basket on the back for the foo-foo dog. I'll rebel by ignoring the warning stickers on the frame and not wearing a helmet. There's your male dominance, Boss. Hah.

So, as of tomorrow I will be officially more "aged." Yay. Birthdays for me have sucked ever since my 21st, when my (at the time) pink-eyed bipolar psychology-student hippie girlfriend, who I swore looked like Charlize Theron at some point, wouldn't let me drink any alcohol at the Applebees. It's all been downhill from that... Not that I need alcohol on my birthday--I see it more like I need alcohol every day. Politics, religion, love, sex, dogs, patios, mullets, dirt, and string-theory-quantum-physics always seem so much more pleasant while you're intoxicated. Alas, however, I have only this coffee, so I suffer with the rest of you. All downhill from 21.

I also may or may not be receiving a high-definition tuner, a Sin City DVD, a circular saw, and/or a grinder. I could really use some ties, though... ooh-ooh--no, wait, an airplane. Just get an airplane. Throw out the DVD.

Ah yes, there was a hurricane. Let's not forget that little tid-bit of information. Cudos to President Bush for standing in Louisiana last night and taking full responsibility for the task of being the President. His responsibilities include, but are not limited to: making America better, protecting the wonderful, high I.Q. people who voted him in (that means that 49 percent of us are screwed... well, aren't we all? :), and being the voice and complete representative icon of American Government. That was very big of you, Mr. Bush, to take responsibility. Now that you've satisfied those critical Democrats and Republicans, why not actually do something about it? No, that doesn't mean hire another horse-trainer. And Rush Limbaugh, you're a fat druggie who justifies his opinions by inventing supporting arguments. And John Kerry, you're an idiot for letting a political party convince America that it was religious. Moron... of course they beat you! Damn the party lines.

There... hate from every angle. Hurricanes, terrorist attacks, and scripted political apologies scorch the days surrounding my birthday. What a miserable time of year.

But I did get a bicycle... with reflectors and EVERYTHING!

Oh... for anyone locally who is or isn't interested but should be anyway, go here: Camp Brosend. It's a relief effort that we've set up (and has yet to be used) in a vacant Summer Camp. We so far have 5 cabins available, all with electricity, a/c, and soon to be heat. Our biggest deficiency is with daytime volunteers (8 am - 5 pm). We will need someone there at all times to assist these families, when they arrive. My wife and I live within 5 minutes of the campgrounds, so we will be "on call" as necessary. We've also made a weekly pledge to aid expenses, and will help with laundry, food, etc. You oughta help, too. Don't just throw money at it thinking that's enough. We're planning to have Christmas with these people, get them jobs, apartments, houses, etc. A one-time "donation" isn't going to cut it for this sort of need. You ever rebuilt someone's life before? Me neither, but I'm betting it's no cake-walk.

Eh... sorry about the entry. It's been a distressing week. Peace out.

dfb